The Sparrow

True definition of being F***d

2012-02-06T01:58:00.000+05:30

Chemistry DCP CE lab to be corrected ans submitted by tomorrow
World Lit paper 1 and 2 o be submitted to Susan for plagiarism check by tomorrow (have done 70% of Paper1)
TOK essay correction tomorrow (done but very badly)
Probability test on 9th (don't know anything)
English oral sometime this week
A few bio and chem design labs
EE by the end of this month
Psych IA by the end of this month
Math IA by the end of this month
Spanish orals sometime this month

Lets not even talk about the psych essays and Mock exam. and the IB!!

Childish

2012-02-05T01:57:00.000+05:30

All my blogs seem to be so childish! But I still love blogging. I blog because I want to let out all that is in my heart and head. I blog because I want everyone to know it yet no one to know it! SO here is my latest one! And I am still continuing on the same topic.

SO after i said no to T my room metes made me realize that I was stupid and that I should grow up and give it a chance. they told me that just because I have trusting issues, I should't turn blind to those who trust me. They told me that I will lose him and I will regret later on. I didn't know what to do. But then he asked me again on 25th. He sent me a text asking me to choose what i will get from him this V-day. I chose a no and I got a gift. I asked what i was getting he said anything I ask for. And then he asked me if i would be his valentine. I said yes. I listened to my heart. He then asked me if i was kidding, I said I wasn't, I wasn't kidding. I don't know how he felt but he told me that he might faint of happiness. I don't know if I should trust him or not. I don't know form where my insecurities have come about. But I know for a fact that its very high, I am super insecure, I can't trust people. But once I trust them then there is no stopping. I go crazy and as a result I have been hurt and shocked a few times. Maybe that's why i have there issues now. I want to trust him but the things he says are too good to be trusted! I don't know what to do.

Well to continue with the story. After that we din't talk, he told me that he loves me, he said he wants to say it verbally but he doesn't have the courage. I told him that I don't have the courage to hear it and I asked to say it to me only when he means it. After that things were a little awkward, of course it would be but a few days back he called. It was because of my crazy cousin sister. But because of her and her crazy prank I called him, Our conversation consisted to random things and awkward silences, then he told me that he'd call me in the evening. And he did, He told me that it was his sister's birthday and that everyone was having vodka. He told me that he also had three shots and then immediately asked if I was angry at him. I told him I wasn't but he should try and avoid it. He then told me the reason. he said he did it o gather courage to talk to me. He said many things, sweet things, cheezy things. He said he would like to spend his life with me. I don't know why but the thinks that he doesn't deserve me. He told me that he is not worthy of me and that he doesn't know if he would be a successful person in life or not, a person worthy of me but he told me that he'd try his best and that he's get me anything that i wanted. I was happy (naturally) and I want to trust him, I do trust him but the trust is weak. I feel that these are the things that every guy says to every girl and don't mean them. I know I am being cruel, He might be absolutely honest but I am still scared. anyways so he says he loves me and thinks about me all the time and that he'll love me always. I wish I could say that to him as well.

The other day when I was thinking about all these things, I felt that I lack the power to love. I can love friends I love people but I don't have the courage to give my heart out to anyone (exception yu, because I know she will never ever break my heart or my trust). It may be because I take time to trust someone fully. but I want to trust T, I desperately want to trust him. but a voice at the back of my heart tells me to be careful and I am being very careful. But with each passing day I am going closer to him, to loving him, to trusting him. I hope I can love him just the way he loves me(if he does).

Apart from that S has been acting very strangely. He is hating on me and he said many cold things. I don't know why he's like that but maybe its his insecurity. I hope we can remain good friends.

Well then, that's all I have for now. I don't know what is there in store for me but I pray and hope that everything turns out good. and that everyone finds happiness!!

cOnfused

2012-01-23T02:08:00.000+05:30

Hell, there is a storm raging in my mind and heart. I am so confused!! I feel that S needs me. I may be wrong and deceived by his manipulative nature but i do feel that he really needs me and that he'll be happy with me but at the same time I know that I need T and i'll be happy with him. my room mates and friends tel me that I should think about my happiness but how can I be so selfish. T is a very nice guy and I am sure that he can find a very nice girl, in fact he can get anyone he wants but I think S will have trouble finding one. I am not saying I am too good or anything like that. Its just that I've known him for quiet a long time and I realized that he is so straight forward that he becomes very offensive. he spews venom from his mouth. But things that he say are true quiet often but he just says it in such a way that people take offense and many a times he manages to invoke hatred in the people he interact with...as far as I have observed.

Anyways let's see what happens.!!

ciao

He told me he loves me

2012-01-14T01:42:00.000+05:30

His voice was shaking, he said I have something to tell you. I braced myself I knew what was coming. He told me that he loves and that he thinks about me all the time, he said he never felt like this about any other girl. My heart skipped a beat and I could feel myself blushing. I wanted to say yes and tell him I liked him too. My heart was beating fast dying to tell him its feeling but the brain said no! once you have let yourself get hurt , you were not careful once before and you never know if this will turn out better or not. Heart cried said I will take the risk but brain reminded that its not just about you think about what it will lead to? can you see the future? its bleak, you will only suffer, don't do it please! The heart listened silently shed a tear and became silent.
The brain won... as usual!

iTS fAir!! (nOt)

2011-12-02T11:40:00.001+05:30

I had my first heartbreak this winter. It was right before Valentine's day. I know deep within that it is not worth being called a heartbreak because the hearts were never connected. I was in a relationship with a person just because I hope that my fairy tale will come true and because I did not have the guts to turn him down. This particular person is one of those strong willed people who will get and do what they want. and I was one of the objects of his desire. There was no love involved (thank god!). But still I felt betrayed just because for the first time I has stepped out of ma nest and the other person (a pro in all these matters) was not sensitive to this fact. It was my first ever and I felt betrayed because it wasn't his first not his last!! I did all sorts of stupid things after that. Removing him from fb adding him again. Ignoring him one day and being very friendly the next. Well well, we all know shit happens, but I am so amazed at what I did because I wasn't even sure if I liked that person or not. May be he was the first one who was brave enough to tell things to me directly.

There is another guy back home. I have known that he has a special spot for me in his heart since the last 5 years and I wasn't able to accept his love. I wonder why? He is one of the nicest person I have ever known and also a funny guy. Maybe because the beginning wasn't good. I was a shocker for me! So that's why things did not turn out well. Now after so called experiencing the shittiness of the men-kind I think his was the purest feeling. I feel sorry for him I really wish I could return him the love that I receive from him. But I can't! life's never fair and neither is love!! At times I think what if I accept his love just to make him happy. But then a voice inside me says that won't be fair because then I will be just like one of those people for whom love is but a game.

Now that I am at the edge of things and now that i have realized how lucky I am for receiving such pure feeling, I just hope that he finds someone who will love him as much!! I know its hypocritical of me and that i am just trying to nice but whatever that I am saying is what my heart is dictating to my fingers and I really do hope to find someone, someday who will love me truly and whom I maybe able to love trule.!!

The sky looks gray!

2011-11-04T17:00:00.000+05:30

The sky looks gray today. It is a beautiful weather, the breeze is nice and cool, the sun is shining brightly but still the sky looks grey today. Drenched in this gray hue, I sit silent as an ocean and i can feel the tears welling up but they refuse to come out. The superficial strength that I have always portrayed myself with is not allowing them to leave home. I close my eyes and pray that this grayness pass just as the vibrant colors pass away!!

FInally

2011-10-05T11:51:00.000+05:30

So finally I am doing it!! I have been thinking about creating a blog since a long time. And here I am!!

Well I want to use this as an outlet of all my emotions, all my feelings, things that I can't share with my friends or my family, things that I want to share with everyone, things about me and about others. :)